The Women’s Health Guy Next Door admits that he’s completely and utterly confused by our gender.
I can’t recall exactly how old I was when I learned that I’d probably spend the rest of my life trying to understand women. The lesson started with a simple proposition beneath the jungle gym: “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” And afterward, there was a lot of confusion. I mean, I knew hers would be different, but where was it? Had I been tricked? I upheld my end of the bargain! I showed you mine! Where are you hiding yours?!
Then with some help of a n∂ked magazine I acquired shortly before my 12th birthday, I came to realize that I hadn’t been tricked at all. Women’s bodies—like the inner workings of their minds—do not reveal themselves quickly. And that’s okay, the mystery has proven to keep us men interested, but I’d by lying if I said it isn’t a little frustrating at times. So while I’m no longer as stumped by the female body, I still struggle to understand some of the finer points of the female personality. Here are a few things that men just don’t understand about women. And ladies, please feel free to explain any of these to me in the comments below!
You take everything out of one bag and put it into another bag…and you do this all the time? Seriously, why not just have one purse?
Somehow, all the important stuff always goes to the bottom of that bag. Shouldn’t your keys be easier to find? Are you sure that’s your purse? You didn’t steal another woman’s purse, did you? DID YOU?!
It takes you six months to choose a haircut. Bridges are built in less time.
You try on everything. Every size, every style, every time. And that’s why there’s a boyfriend couch in every department store.
Also, how is shopping a social activity? I once shopped with a guy friend, and afterward, we vowed to never do it again. We won’t even talk about it. It’s just too uncomfortable.
For that matter, how is peeing a social activity? When guys pee, it’s like one minute of meditation. And we don’t want anybody there to screw that up.
What are you always talking about with your friends on the phone? Didn’t you just see Jennifer two days ago? Since then, you’ve done nothing but work and sleep. What could you two possibly have to catch up on?
Your eyelash curler—What. The. Hell. It’s a murder weapon, right? Be honest: You only keep it around in case you suddenly have to defend yourself.
Why it takes you so long to get ready for bed. Have you not mastered the process yet?
Why it takes you so long to get ready to go out. Hey, if you don’t want to go to dinner, just say so. Are you up there talking to Jennifer again?
Why you need so many throw pillows. You don’t even use them! They’re just piled up everywhere, like the padded walls of an insane asylum. This is probably half the reason it takes you so long to get ready for bed.
You like to talk after sεχ. Whether it was 30-minute marathon sεχ or a 3-minute sprint, we’re pretty exhausted. Meanwhile, you’re all revved up and ready for a serious conversation. How do you do it?
You admit that romcoms are cheesy and predictable, yet you watch them anyway. The leading man confronts his philandering past, the leading lady confronts her reservations about guys like him, and then they fall in love. Adorbs.
You wear heels even on nights when you know you’ll be walking a lot. I’m just saying—you can only expect so much sympathy.
Chocolate—it’s good, but it’s not THAT good. Why don’t you and chocolate just get a room already?
Tampons. I mean…I don’t….that just seems so uncomfortable.
My god—that closet. We’d say you were a shoe hoarder, but it turns out you’re also a skirt hoarder, a blouse hoarder, a scarf hoarder, a sock hoarder… In short, your closet puts ours to shame.
What’s the deal with sparkly accessories? Do you think you’re going to lose your heels if they’re not covered with glitter? It’s okay—you can buy new heels.
Your voice gets soooo high when you see puppies. This should be studied.
Two words: internet cats. C’mon—how much time can you really spend on cuteness?